Monday, June 25, 2012

The Landlord From Hell!


Every so often in life you meet someone so bizarre, so random, that you can’t quite explain them to other people....without sounding like you are making them up.

I'd like to introduce you to one of these people right now....my landlord!

So this guy is really skinny, really old, and he has a high pitched voice. He makes his money not just by renting out rooms in his house, but by using his spiritual powers to do readings for people. And no, I’m not joking! People pay to come round to the house to listen to him communicating with their dead family and friends (Though admittedly he doesn't get too much work).

"What can you see!?!"
"Not much, I'm just thinking about the super noodles I can
see Andrew cooking!"
He doesn’t have a specific room in the house to do his readings in; so like the true professional he is, he does them at the kitchen table. This wouldn't be a big deal if he were to tell us about the appointments in advance, because obviously then we’d know to stay WELL away. But he doesn’t! I was once in the kitchen cooking super noodles (standard!), when he led some middle aged woman in, told her to sit down at the table and then he began the reading, as I was stood just feet away! AWKWARD! I obviously left as soon as my noodles were done, and didn’t sit down to eat at the table with them both!

My landlord has a companion; just like Bonnie had Clyde, Batman had Robin and Fred had Rose, this guy has Kako, his manky old poodle. This mutt constantly barks when I’m trying to nap during the day, and loves scratching itself. Obviously, I HATE it!

A few months ago my landlord went travelling and Kako went to my landlord’s sister’s house. When this guy isn’t talking to the dead, he loves nothing more than arguing with the living, so when he returned from his trip I wasn’t surprised to hear he’d had a huge argument with his sister on the phone. Naturally, she told him to DO ONE and (I’m sure this was to wind him up!) refused to bring this filthy dog back to the house for a full week.

The guy looked pretty sad to be without his sidekick for these seven days, but the rest of the house definitely didn't. Secretly I had hoped that it had been put down, but seven days later it strolled through the front door, parked it’s arse on the sofa and began barking and scratching itself again....and then went back to dropping logs of shit all over the house.

Let me give you an example of one of the worst incidents! At 6am on it’s first morning back, I went downstairs for my breakfast, followed not long after by Kako.

Kako...he is such a bastard!
If you've never witnessed a dog squatting down in front of you, arse first, to take a dump just as you’re tucking into a bowl of Bran Flakes, let me tell you this....it’s not pretty! After three consecutive days of this I’d had enough, and I asked my friend Carlos to have a word with our landlord (My own Portuguese definitely didn't stretch this far!). "He might be able to see dead people, but I can see dog shit….and I’m not having it anymore! Go tell him!”. 

A few minutes later he came back into my room with a grin on his face, and said “Andrew, you will not believe this! When I told the landlord about the dog shit he looked REALLY surprised and said this, ‘but…..Kako has been on holiday. He isn’t back into his normal routine yet…and it’s just dog shit, what’s the problem!?!’” After hearing this, I was MAD! Carlos then told me the landlord had reluctantly agreed to start walking Kako at night, so Kako could relieve himself a good few hours before morning!

I was both relieved and surprised by this; relieved because I wasn’t to keen on the idea of Kako being my breakfast companion, and surprised because I imagined he would have put up much more of a fight than this. You see, my landlord LOVES nothing more than a good fight (usually about nothing in particular), as I know all too well!

A few months ago I washed some of my white clothes, granted it wasn’t a big wash as there were only about four shirts I needed. An hour or so after setting off the washing machine, I was sat in my room, poking people on Facebook, minding my own business when my door was unexpectedly thrown open.  As I looked up in surprise, stood in front of me was my landlord, who looked REALLY angry.

He was screaming at me really loudly, whilst at the same time waving some papers in the air. I was naturally a little confused because I had no idea what he was saying. Then he threw these papers down, and I saw that they were electricity bills. 

Downton Abbey, the show I used to think was set in the past!
He pointed out that since my arrival, the electricity had increased by £10 a month, and for him this was just far too much. I was told that because using the washing machine was expensive, I was only allowed to wash my clothes once a week to cut costs. He'd been up to the washing machine and seen I'd only got a few things in there. I pointed out that I pay a decent amount to live in his house, so two washes a week wasn’t too much to ask, and I didn’t want to wash my whites with darks. At that he told me I should start washing some of these clothes by hand (I know, like on Downton Abbey!). Each time I tried to talk to him, this made him angrier, and then he'd raise his voice over mine to stop me from talking. I'm not exaggerating when I say that his eyes were almost popping out of his leathery face, he was not happy!

Since this day I've been properly bollocked (in Portuguese, so I don't always know what I'm being bollocked for!) for leaving lights on in rooms for longer than five minutes, and putting more than two milk cartons in the fridge to chill (apparently this is not good for the fridge). The guy can sometimes be found at the washing machine when he knows I am washing clothes, inspecting how many items of clothes I've washed...the hand written, passive aggressive note by the washing machine permits no less than 15! If you wash less than this, he hides the extension cable for the washing machine until you have appologised!

So why the hell have I stayed here you ask? Well, now I've read that last paragraph back I'm asking myself the same thing! But this house is in a perfect location, right next to the subway station and a HUGE shopping centre. Finding another place in such a good location has been difficult…but then last month I managed to find a new room, and tomorrow I will be moving there....it's the house next door! My new landlord is really laid back and easy going, and he doesn’t have a bloody dog, so obviously I’m REALLY happy about this!

And I can think of no better way for me to end this blog than with a music video…not since ‘Macho Man’ have I identified lyrically with a song so much! The dog days are indeed OVER...thank GOD!!!


3 comments:

  1. I hope you already managed to move by now! Some landlords really sucks ass. I have this policy, that not even my mother won't raise her voice on me, so nobody else has the right to do so!

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  2. dude! what happened to hospitality what? poor brazilians don't know how to be hospitable? i wouldn't last minutes there although I would give it a good ole college try because of the location. but that kind of ignorance would send me over the edge. if you don't know enough to walk your dog????? there is no hope for you.

    another thing i noticed you said you loved brazil, but is that a love of novelty of do you really love brazil? I mean could you see yourself living there indefinitely or is this like a social/work experiment to beef up your work resume?

    from one american to another :)

    p.s. after reading your starbuck entry you just squashed a major myth that all brazilians are happy. apparently they are rather nasty---complain to the owner see if he likes milk carton ladies attitude?

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    1. Hey, thanks for stopping by to comment! I am now living in a much better, dog-shit-free zone, and very happy about this. Generally Brazilians are very happy people, but like all countries around the world, there are exceptions....so I wouldn't necessarily say they are particularly nasty by nature. it's just that the ones who are make great blog subjects!

      And I really do love Brazil, but I am not sure how long I will live here for....not when the rest of the world still intrigues me!

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